Introduction
Every Marriage deserves to be put out of its misery, buried and properly grieved.

The Plight of the New Wife
We rarely hear about the troubles, hurts nd anxieties suffered by the new wife in her husband’s second marriage. She may be a good Christian woman: someone’s sister, daughter, friend. She fell in love with and married a man who failed in his first marriage. She’s chosen to dedicate her life and love to him, and trying to follow her heart in being the best wife she can be. If this is her first marriage, she brings all the hopes and dreams any woman brings to her new life, Maybe it’s her second marriage, and she’s determined this time to make it work. She hopes to be a good stepmom, eager to love her husband’s children. However, these lofty goals don’t always work out, especially without a clear understanding of the dynamics of blended families.

Sometimes society tends to overglorify parenthood. Unfortunately the miracle of birth does not automatically equip a person to be a good parent, nor does it qualify one for sainthood. Stepparents can do play a vital and crucial role in the loving, nurturing and raising of children.

The New Role of the Ex-Spouse
Ex-spouses may, understandably, have trouble adjusting to the end of a dream, coping with the former mate’s new marriage and creating a new and different life for themselves.

While the role with the children obviously continues, the relationship to the ex-spouse is altered drastically. Consciously or not, the ex-spouse may have trouble reacting in a rational manner. But even for him or her, healing and new beginnings are within reach.

The Emotional Bondage of the Second-Time Spouse
If a man’s home is his castle, why are so many men living in the dungeon of bondage to their old relationships? Understanding the chains of emotional bondage that tie them to their ex-spouses is the first necessary step in breaking those chains, No new marriage is capable of reaching the depths of love and satisfaction we long for until the ties binding men to the old marriage are broken. Husbands And Their new wives now have a practical plan for clearly defining the boundaries and roles of their new marriage. How to Be First In a Second Marriage explains how to break those ties and explores the fears and challenges facing the husband and the new wife, as well as providing advice which can apply to ex-wives, ex-husbands, new husbands – even grandparents and other interested parties. It clearly defines the boundaries and roles of the new marriage and offers a successful plan for making it work.

Part I: The Dungeon
"What other dungeon is so dark as one’s own heart!
What jailer so inexorable as one’s self!"
Nathaniel Hawthorne – 1851
The House of the Seven Gables

The support check
Jane sent the kids to her sister’s for the evening. As she and her husband, Tim, were sitting down to a romantic candlelight dinner together, he remembered it was the first of the month and the child support check to his ex-wife was due. "Jane, honey," said Tim, "I need to run this check over to Ann’s house and I’ll be right back. Okay?"

Jane pleaded in her most convincing tone, "Tim, do you have to go tonight? Do you have to go right this minute?"

Tim pecked her on the cheek as he grabbed his keys and went out the door. "Honey, she needs the money and I want to abide by the court agreement about timely child support payments. I promise I’ll be back in just ten minutes!"

Jane forced a half-smile and blew out the candles as he left. As angry thoughts raced through her mind, she began to chide herself for feeling so insecure. Tim was being honorable by getting the money to his ex-wife on time, so she felt guilty about being angry. He will be right back, he promised, and he’s married to ME. He loves ME. I’m being so stupid! Jane continued to obsess.

Over an hour later Tim arrived home to a cold dinner and a cold wife. Jane’s attitude fluctuated back and forth from acceptance to anger. Right now she was angry. Tim cuddles her and apologized for being late, saying Ann had needed to talk about the kid’s school problems. As he kissed her neck gently, Jane felt angry-guilty-angry-guilty as Tim led her into the bedroom. They made love that night, but Jane stuffed her still hurt feelings inside as she drifted off to a restless sleep.

Jane’s feelings were normal responses to rejection. In defense of themselves, many husbands claim "doing teir duty"as an excuse when their current wife or family are put on hold or put in second place to th ex-wife. It’s time to stop looking at the surface actions and start examining the subsurface attitudes. What could Tim have done differently?

• Mail the check ahead of time.
  If Time wanted to be honorable he shouldn’t have waited until the last minute.
• The husband should call the "ex"
  and seek forgiveness for not having the money to her sooner. Tell her he’ll be by the first thing tomorrow.
• Honor the commitment.
  If Tim did drive over, he should’ve honored his ten-minute commitment to Jane, made an appointment for the next day to talk on the phine about the kids’ school problems, and politely but firmly excused himself.
• Prearranged a set time each week on the phone to review the kids’ welfare, school, etc.
  While kids’ crises can’t be scheduled, husbands should learn the difference between an emergency and a situation which can be talked about the next morning or at some later time.

Tim put Jane and her planned evening and her emotional needs behind his ex-wife’s needs and behind his own needs to feel responsible. But Tim probably doesn’t see it that way. Tim thinks his wife is jealous and insecure, and the problem is hers. Men like Tim often rationalize they are also taking care of their children’s needs by personally delivering the check on time.

Instead of responding on an emotional level,
Tim should have stopped and reviewed the facts. The kids’ immediate needs are the roof over their head, the food on the table and knowing that both Mom and Dad, wherever they live, love them forever. Those needs were already met that night. There was nothing so urgent that Tim should have left Jane in th middle of thei evening together. Unless there is some physical or emotional emergency with the children, the new wife’s needs should always come first.

Tim’s chains of emotional bondage
are residual feelings of failure in the marriage to Ann, and guilt for abandoning his kids. To escape the pain of his emotions, Tim tries to "make up" for the past by always taking good care of Ann and the kids. When he performs as their continuing caretaker, Tim’s guilt is soothed by feeling he’s done a good job.

Jane is also in emotional bondage
to her husband, Tim. Jane needs to speak up and lovingly advise or remind Tim of his options. Sometimes husbands react from old habits without stopping to think. Jane should also not bury her normal feelings of anger at rejection, as they will surely grow into bitterness. Like so many wives, Jane’s chains are her far of conflict or rejection by Tim. I Jane feels insecure, Tim should help to meet her emotional needs.

Are you in emotional bondage to your new spouse?