FREE Excerpt

Joe:
First marriages all too often fall apart and end in divorce. Rose Sweet has written a guide for divorcees to overcome common pitfalls that repeatedly ruin second marriages. Although the divorce may be finished in a legal sense, the unseen emotional bonds may still be intact. She has written a guide to help a couple establish proper roles for their new marriage.

Rose Sweet has been an ex-wife, new wife and stepmom and knows firsthand the unique problems today’s blended families face. She is a popular speaker and has contributed articles to Focus on the Family’s Single Parent Magazine and chapters to several book projects. In her New Queen Seminars, Rose helps remarried couples learn practical ways to give each other the royal treatment.

Joe:
I’d like to welcome Rose to our discussion here on the Zone and would ALSO like to invite our audience to ask Rose questions and join the discussion on our ParentTalk discussion group. Thank you Rose for being here.

Rose:
Thank you Joe for inviting me. I look forward to hearing from your members and hopefully they will share some of their thoughts with us and we can learn from each other.

Joe:
Rose, in your book, you refer to "The Dungeon," the "Castle Walls," and the "Royal Treatment" to outline the three sections of your book. Could you tell us a bit about how you came to choose this medieval metaphor and how does it apply to challenge of having a happy second marriage.

Rose:
One day, after my husband had put his EX wife first over me, I blurted out   "You want to be treated like King of the Castle, well then treat ME like the Queen! Your ex has been deposed and, baby, there's a NEW QUEEN on the throne!"

He heard me loud and clear and on my next birthday he ordered me a personalized license plate that read 'NUQWEEN" (NuQueen was taken) That became my aol screen name! It was one of the sweetest things he ever did for me, and he also made a plate frame encrusted in shiny plastic "jewels" to frame the plate. When I drive around town, people know there is royalty on
the road!

Joe:
You yourself are in a second marriage, how do you feel this has helped you to write this book? Do you have any anecdotes that are particularly helpful for us?

Rose:
After 7 years of struggling with the issues unique to second marriages, my husband and I finally learned how to insulate ourselves from outside (his ex) attack, how to avoid the court battles and how to disengage mentally and emotionally from the whole "game" that bitter ex-spouses play. He learned how to quit allowing himself to be jerked around emotionally by his ex and he got rid of the guilt that stood in the way of his being a Dad instead of a "pal" to his son. I learned to quit fighting for power and control with her, realizing that I had it all the time!

Once I saw that these principles truly worked in "real life", I couldn't wait to write a book to help everyone else that seemed to be stuck in the same nightmare. There were plenty of steparenting books about how to meet the kids' needs, but no books that dealt directly with the awful feelings  stepparents have, the fears of new wives and the games that ex-spouses play.
So I wrote one!

As for anecdotes, many of the stories in the book are really mine, with the names changed of course. Others are from sisters, friends and the couples I've counseled over the last 3-4 years.

Unfortunately, after I wrote the book, my husband went through midlife crisis and didn't survive. After we had successfully learned to be free from his past marriage and were no longer constantly distracted by the problems with his ex, he had more time and began to face the huge emotional problems of childhood abuse which he had stuffed for years. Unable to cope with the pain and scars the abuse left on him he left the marriage to go find himself. We still care deeply for other, get along well and I still see my stepson on a regular basis. Even though these separate issues have brought another divorce, they don't nullify the principles we learned and used successfully to free ourselves from the first-wife/ second-wife syndromes!!

Joe:
What role did your children have in shaping your ideas for this book and how are they doing? How do they relate to your new spouse? And he to them?

Rose:
Divorce hurts kids. We all know that.
But life in general hurts us all, in many ways. Not to advocate divorce or to minimize the damage it does to our kids, but NO pain in life is so great that it can not be overcome and even embraced as a growth and maturing experience. Instead of insulating our kids from pain, I believe we should prepare them and equip them with the tools for solving problems, facing fears and completing their own grieving processes.

My stepson hates that his biological parents are divorced. But he knows he is loved deeply by all of us, each in our own ways. He and I adore each other and I will always be his "other mother". I have always been honest with him and talked about our situation at levels appropriate for his age. I know he will have problems in his own relationships because we can't turn our perfect kids. But we CAN do "damage control" with lots of love, honesty and teaching them relationship skills NOW....not pretending or protecting or waiting until they are adults.

Joe:
Thank you, Rose for being with us and being so candid. I’d also like to thank Rose for her graciously allowing her to reprint a portion of her book right here.

FREE Excerpt

How to Be First in a Second Marriage;
Forgiveness and Healing for All Concerned
by Rose Sweet

Don't Get Mad-Get Funny!:
A Light-Hearted Approach to Stress Management
by Leigh Anne Jasheway, Geoffrey M. Welles

What's the easiest, most practical, and most affordable way to cope with stress? Respond to stress-filled days with the transforming power of laughter. Use this resource to enhance your stress management seminars as you add punch to your presentations and engage your listeners through the power of laughter.

Meet the author
Stephanie DeGraff Bender, MA
Author of "Power of Perimenopause"
She has been in the forefront of women's hormonal health for the last 20 years. Her work in unearthing the seemingly mysteries of PMS (premenstrual syndrome) has led to her current expertise in perimenopause. The Power of Perimenopause has sold thousands of copies and is a well respected women's health guide. Her appearances on Oprah, CBS Morning News, Donahue have left no doubt that she is a women's advocate in the best sense of the word.